She said, "why do you seem like you are so jealous of him?"

but I am, once through my through, and like the many other times the same phrase has been floating around.

"but I am. I mean, I was, since forever."

and she notices my resentment amongst other things.

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I shouldn't put it up here. But with whatever you said, did you not just tell me you like him more, much more, that there are so many reasons as to why I should not be liked as much.

Do you understand I look up to him as much as you love him, I did not say all these out of hate, but out of hurt? This is a cycle we can't break out of. I know, we're playing the blame game. I'm the angsty jealous kid, I have no reason to behave this way because the only way to go is to try to be better, not to express feelings, negative feelings.

I do try, I did try. And I'm still trying. It's like reaching for the stars.

But where was he, when dad was away? All he had to do was to be away, all I had to do was to be there and be called troublemaker.

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The only books I read now are the ones I have to read. Antoniette always makes me wonder, the rejected people in society makes me wonder - how much of it is their own fault, who are the people who play a role in the development of such sad, lonely, hated characters?